THE five minute EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE (EI) NEWSLETTER - by Johanna Vanderpol
Because of the masses of
information we are subject to each day, I have purposely kept this newsletter
brief. As a regular subscriber, this is a good way to increase your
emotional intelligence little by little, day by day. Each issue will have an
action step or exercise designed to increase your EI. This is my gift to you.
ISSUE SIXTEEN, APRIL,
1. This Newsletter's Theme
- LONELINESS - CURSE OR BLESSING
2. Did you know? - Some
research on loneliness in youth
4. Action step for
5. Announcements - Talk at
Bolen Books, Victoria, BC, Tuesday, April 22, 2008 7 PM, Free EI Quiz handout,
More info: see below
Curse or Blessing
Loneliness is a message.
Loneliness is an emotional state that signals the need for connection.
Sometimes, that connection may be
in the form of needing connection with self. If you don't have a good connection
with yourself, connection with others may not provide what you need. Most of us
think we need to connect with other people, but there is a deeper need of being
in communication with self in a loving, enjoyable kind of way. It may mean that
we need to hear a part of ourself that is yearning to be heard within. It could
be as simple as needing a drink of water or to eat a nice meal or rest or
many other things but not giving ourselves permission. It may mean that we need
to accept a quality or emotional state in ourselves that we currently are
not accepting because we attach a negative connotation to it. The truth is, if
we are grumpy or angry or anxious or depressed, we start there, accepting what
is. It is only from that starting point that any change can be made. But first,
it has to be accepted so it can be heard.
Loneliness can also signal a need
for connection with others. That need could be as simple as going to a cafe for
a cup of coffee and being in an environment where there are other people even
though you may not talk to anybody. Or it may be something that requires you to
build a sense of continuity in your life where the kind of people and people
environments you enjoy become a regular part of your life and has its own
And if you already have connection
with others during a large part of your day and you still feel lonely, it may
signal a need for more like-minded people to be in your life. I recently
discovered that some people who are very bright or intelligent are actually
gifted adults and they don't know it. If they are not with similar individuals,
they feel like a fish out of water. And that 'fish out of water' feeling can be
with them their whole lives unless they identify their giftedness. If you
suspect that you are 'smarter than the average bear' but don't really know it,
take a look at the assessment to determine giftedness in a book called
"Liberating Everday Genius: A Revolutionary Guide for Identifying and Mastering
Your Exceptional Gifts" by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen. But I digress
Loneliness can also be the result
of what is referred to as a 'nourishment barrier.' This means that you may be
receiving nourishment from various people and activities but discounting it by
saying things like, "It's not good enough." "It's only temporary." "They don't
really like me; they are just being polite." Do you recognize it? What messages
do you give yourself? Watch your "yeah, buts..." If this is you, you can start
to change this by writing a couple of times each week the activities you took
part in with people and write down what nourished you. You will begin to see
that your cup is fuller than you think. Watch what your internal dialogue comes
up with to discount the writing. After a few weeks of this, you will feel
different and the "yeah, buts..." will quiet down somewhat and you will have
more power over them instead of them having more power over you.
Some of us choose to have limited
contact with family of origin members because it is actually unpleasant or
unhealthy and sometimes harmful to one's self-esteem. Our choice to limit
contact with unhealthy people environments whether it be family or someone else
is a self-protective mechanism. This is essentially a good thing because we care
enough about ourselves to choose to protect ourselves from that which harms us
in some way. And a side effect of this may be a loneliness for family. We can
live with this when we nourish ourselves in a number of other ways, with close
friends, possibly living in a shared family type situation.
And then there is the loneliness
that can follow the end of a significant relationship. After the hurt and anger
and grief or sadness over the loss has subsided somewhat, the next thing that
might be felt is loneliness. This is actually a good sign that you are now ready
for more connectedness in your life, not necessarily with a new significant
partner but more from various activities with various people.
And, finally, you may have some
very strong beliefs or thinking patterns that keep you in a pattern of
loneliness or distort your reality. Again, it can be identified by your internal
dialogue. It may go something like this: "It will always be this way because it
has always been this way." "I am an introvert." "I will never be able to change
this." "I was raised in a model of isolation."
You know what?... All these things
can be changed. The words 'never' and 'always' don't need to apply anymore.
There is hope. It can be done easily, step by step.
What creates loneliness for
Your assignment for this week
(should you choose to accept it) is to choose to do one thing differently this
week that would invite more connection with other people who you enjoy and who
are good for you into your life. I wish you a rich and happy life full of
connections with other people that enhance your life. EnJOY!
Would you like to work with a
coach to remove the patterns of loneliness from your life once and for all.
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to book an
appointment for a complimentary 30 minute session. To learn more about the
messages in your emotions, take a look at excerpts from my book "Honouring
Your Emotions: Why it Matters" now in it second printing. Take a look at the
excerpts at http://www.johannavanderpol.com/EBOOK_HYE.asp .
Click on "Sample" from Chapters 1, 2 and 3 and read the Introduction. Or, buy
the book online.
Honouring Your Emotions is simply written and
full of profound wisdom and practical advice on how our emotions, when
appropriately managed rather than suppressed, can guide us toward a
more joyous, richer life. I heart-ily recommend Johanna Vanderpol's beautiful
little book to everyone.
- Dr. Candace B. Pert, PhD., Author of
Molecules of Emotion
2. Did you
Depression are Linked
The Health Canada report found that the
factor teens connected most strongly with depression was loneliness. Twenty-one
percent of girls and 11 percent of boys said they very often or rather often
Ms Rice says that this point is crucial, if society is to
provide a healthier environment for young people particularly women. 'Loneliness
is about a lack of connectedness. Why do young people feel a lack of connection
to the world they live in? Why do young women so often feel a lack of
understanding from their parents, other adults and many of their peers? Why do
they feel so alone during this period of transition and how does loneliness
relate to poor body and self image?'
Teens draw connections between many
of these same issues. In the Health Canada report, factors that were connected
with loneliness included concern about body image, poor relationships with
parents, helplessness and lack of confidence. Teens who reported loneliness also
reported being bullied more often.
“It's so lonely when you don't even
know yourself.” - anonymous
“Language... has created the word
"loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the
word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.”
quotes (German born American Theologian and Philosopher, whose
discussions of God and faith illuminated and bound together the realms of
traditional Christianity and modern culture. 1886-1965)
4. Action step for
What one new activity will you try
on in the next seven days to create connection with other people? Report the
results to someone. See what happens.
Would you like to meet the
author of "Honouring Your Emotions: Why it Matters?"
Would you like to hear
about the five-step RHUME™ model of processing emotions and using your emotions
as your personal guidance system? Then hear her speak in Victoria,
Tuesday April 22, 7 pm , Bolen Books, Victoria BC, 1644 Hillside
Ave. Free of charge.
In her groundbreaking book Honouring Your Emotions: Why it Matters, writer
and emotional wellness expert Johanna Vanderpol looks at the role of emotions in
our lives, from despair to a life of optimal health and happiness, explaining
their purpose and how we can use them as an internal guidance system using the
trademarked 5-step model from her book. Receive a free emotional intelligence
quiz. Find out why emotions determine 50% of our physical illness.
Free Download "The Top Ten Ways of
Honouring Your Emotions Starting Today" at http://www.johannavanderpol.com/support.asp#Articles
The Companion Workbook to
"Honouring Your Emotions" is back in electronic form as a 21-day E-course at
the New Price of $21
IN TWENTY-ONE DAYS,
YOU CAN INCREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. Yes, you read that right.
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WANT TO READ THE
BOOK? "Honouring Your Emotions: Why it
Matters" is a groundbreaking book now in its second printing
showing us the guidance contained in our emotions, the neurobiological messages
of emotions and a groundbreaking 5-step model on how to process our emotions so
that they benefit and augment our lives, so they are our guests and we are not
their slaves. To buy the book or read more, go to http://www.johannavanderpol.com/EBOOK_HYE.asp
and order for $19.95 CAN or USD. Now sold internationally.
Lower Price for E-book: The e-book (an exact duplicate of the
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emotions are better for you than you thought.
HIRE A ONE-ON-ONE PERSONAL LIFE
COACH: Anyone who receives this newsletter can now
purchase coaching at $75 per one hour session or three for
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Coachville, a community of 70,000 coaches, experience in the corporate
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Please forward this newsletter to
someone you think would enjoy it.
Warmly, Johanna Vanderpol
Emotional Intelligence Coaching,
Let me take you where you want
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